retreat & repair

It’s me.  Hi.  I’m the problem, it’s me. 

Let’s start by saying that the reference to ‘problem’ in this ever-so-popular Taylor Swift song is not at all a problem in my case.  A usual assumption is that when people in our life pull away, something is automatically assumed to be awry.  Something MUST be wrong with them, or there must be a problem in their life, right?  Or perhaps worse - que instant anxiety where I myself must have done something wrong.  Endless rumination over conversations or texts for possible missteps.  What did I do?  Was I an unintentional (or intentional) jerk?  Our insecurities mount and internal persecution clinches a mad grip. 

Fascinating how our brains almost always assume the worst, huh?  Well, fear not - if you have beloved introverts in your life, then you know.  It’s (probably) not you, its them.

In January I took claim to a self-anointed title of Queen Introvert and have managed to reign quietly and effectively over myself since.  I have affirmed that for a loner-lady with keen self-awareness, tuning out the noise and tuning into myself is vital to a more meaningful existence and well-being.  This reign used to be much more difficult to accept, to allow even.  Almost seemed a sense of failure to be allowed a private fall into the depths of my humanness.

Introverting nearly never has anything to do with others, but everything to do with coming back to me, myself, and I, both mentally and physically.  And when I do re-emerge, it allows me to see my ring of influence (good and bad) more clearly, and grasp a new, insatiable focus on what I desire most for my life and relationships. 

I can admit Jenn Solo is when I am happiest, when I am my personal best and most fulfilled.   But please do not mistake my introversion as non-caring behavior or for having a generalized dislike of people.  This is simply not true.  I realize we as beings thrive on human interaction and connections, and this is also true for introverts.  But an introvert’s basis of connection must be that of authenticity, truth, and meaning.  My people will always get the best, most authentic me one-on-one; face to face over coffee/lunch, a long chat on the phone, a long walk or hike, maybe a long car ride. 

Taking full advantage of my stent in this phase, I have put purposeful thought and action into my physical health while also wrestling with adulting questions like “Who Am I?” and “What Do I Want?”

I know, I know.  But why scoff at these questions?   I think they matter if you truly want to show up in life as your best.

I admit I’ve been intentionally wrestling with these loaded questions for several years now. In truth, I have repeatedly (and half-assed I might add), only whispered these questions to myself on occasion my entire life.  And I’m here to truthfully admit I never asked them loud enough, and worse, never purposely made space for the answers.  Even if I had, was I fully prepared to accept what truths I would declare, and better yet, actually live those truths with no hesitations?  The answer is unfortunate, but honest – no (mostly).

This time of self-reflection is allowing me to come to grips with these questions and their honest answers.  And transcribing answers from my vulnerably open heart to paper has provided a release and personal accountability that is meaningful to me.  A written and proud pseudo biography of who I am, what I’m working hard to overcome, and a strong commitment to change what I can no longer endure or tolerate. 

Hate to break it to you, but I won’t be sharing any of those revelations here.  Sort of a private declaration to me, from me.

What started as a temporary retreat & repair mode has turned into quite the cozy experiment. I can honestly say I don’t know when I see myself leaving this comfy nest.  It’s quite lovely here and my head and my heart have never been clearer.  My physical self never more respondent.  All is simple and undistracted, lush with calm, intention, awareness, and joy.

If you yourself are an introvert, or denying to yourself that you are, and find yourself fighting against it – just don’t.  Even if for a few hours, a few days, weeks, or months even, embrace the me-time for the clarity and mindfulness it can bring to you, if you allow it. 

I welcome you to share this with other introvert friends who might appreciate.  We have an uncanny way of understanding one another and appreciating each other’s self-inflicted silence.

I’m sure I will be back in (semi) extroversion mode soon enough.  But in the meantime, I’ll relish in this quiet simplicity just a bit longer.